(My) Top 12 Parenting Fails of 2012

In honor of the end of 2012 (Hey, we survived the end of the world!!), I compiled a quick list of my personal top 12 parenting fails of 2012. Considering Valerie is only 8 months old, I know these probably don't seem extreme. So we can either conclude that I have blocked out the worst, or will remember as soon as I've written this.

Also, a lot of these happened while only I, Sterling, was present. I will ask Brad later if there are any he thinks I should add to the list and update it. He watches Valerie 2 nights per week while I work, and I'm almost positive it's not all rainbows and butterflies. (And if there were butterflies, Valerie probably ate them.)

So, without further ado...

My Top 12 Parenting Fails of 2012
 ADDING THIS ONE IN.. I was doing my business in the bathroom, and Valerie was playing with her bath toys while standing up to the bathtub. She was not taking a bath, she was on the OUTSIDE of the tub. Suddenly I hear a little squeak, and when I look over her little legs are flailing out of the tub. Somehow, even though the tub comes to her armpits, she managed to dive in after a loofah. She was very pleased with herself, even though she landed on her face.

12 - During the summer, this happened more times than I can count. We would be out on the grass, looking around, and suddenly Valerie would have a large leaf sticking out of her mouth, and the moment I tried to pull it out, she would stuff a fist full of grass in. She did have some funky poop sometimes.

11 - Our ornaments on the Christmas tree are probably breakable. Probably. But that doesn't mean I didn't give in and let Valerie lick one to death a time or two. Sometimes it just wasn't worth the fight. Well, until she pulled the top off and those pokey things that hold it together were heading for her eyeballs. But none of them actually broke. ;-)

10 - So... I breastfeed, but I also pump and feed when it is a little more convenient (nobody wants me to whip out my boob while having company over for dinner). When I first started pumping, we would rotate the bottles in the fridge so they were never more than 3 days old. I used to label them, then finally just trusted my memory (hello, pregnancy brain doesn't go away. Ever). Well... I hate to say there were a couple of times that I didn't sniff Valerie's milk before giving it to her, then being so confused when she would take a big ol' gulp, then get mad and refuse to eat. Finally I figured out this was sometimes happening, so now I am sure to not only sniff her milk, I also taste it. I do not take a swig, I just stick my finger in and lick it. Believe me, it is NOT hard to tell if breastmilk has spoiled.

9 - One of my favorite bad-mom moments was when Brad was here, too. We had Valerie lying on the couch in her little blanket cocoon, and we were standing RIGHT THERE talking. I walked into the kitchen for something, and Brad followed me. No big deal. Until we heard a "thunk" and a little wail. We ran back in (a whopping 10 feet) and Valerie had flung herself off the couch. This was within the week that she started rolling...

8 - Oops, another one... we were both here for this one, too. In the mornings, our routine usually involved Brad getting up, showering, getting Valerie from her crib and bringing her in to our room to snuggle in bed with me. Oh, by the way, our daughter doesn't snuggle. She thrashes and rolls and crawls and does anything to not be snuggled. So she is tearing our bed apart while I am still in it, and Brad is getting dressed. Suddenly she was on the edge and she dived off. I mean, she really launched herself. The rule is to not let her on the bed if one of us is still half asleep. She is rarely on the bed anymore.

7 - When Valerie was a newborn, changing a poopy diaper wasn't a big deal. She didn't really squirm, roll, kick, or anything. There was no danger of any kind. ... Oh, except the poop. Brad was helping me change her diaper and we didn't have the new one on her yet. Suddenly I heard a little rumble, and dived out of the way. Poop and shoot! That stuff must have made it a good foot or so across the carpet. Of course, instead of covering her bum and saving myself from cleaning the carpet, I saved myself and ended up about 5 feet from her. I really would take a bullet for her or Brad, though. Promise.

6 - The worst stories involve poop... usually. There was also that time in the middle of the night that I changed her diaper, zipped her back up, put her back down.... and three hours later got up to feed her to discover I hadn't put a new diaper on her at all. She was kickin' it commando. Pee was everywhere.

5 - My husband will tell you my depth perception kind of sucks. A lot. I run into things, miss the steps, or can't catch a ball if I've having a rough depth-perception day. Poor Valerie had her feet slammed into the door frame while moving from room to room at least twice per week until she could sit on my hip. Poor thing... although after about the tenth time she stopped crying and would just let out a yell to let me know I'd done it again.

4 - Uhm... you know that trick where you give a baby your finger to pacify them until you can find the pacifier or boob? (What, you don't lose your boobs?) Well... it's not a great idea after pouring Cholula on finger food... Poor Valerie. When we finally found that darn boob she nursed longer than she had in weeks.

3 - I still giggle when I think of this one... Valerie likes to climb into small spaces. When she discovered how to climb under the bed, she was in heaven. We have about 12" of space under our bed, so we also keep some under-the-bed storage bins underneath. One day, I was trying to find Valerie and knew she was in my room. Figuring she was exploring under the bed, I ducked down and looked. There she was, grinning back at me with her body squished between the bed and the storage bin. There couldn't have been more than 6" of space. Her cute little face was so proud.. until she realized she couldn't wriggle out by herself.

2 - I was told before Valerie even arrived that I would sometimes find odd objects in her poop. I was so prepared... until the day I was wiping her bum and a little chunk of poop wasn't letting loose. So I gripped it with the wipe and.... out of her bum came a 4" chunk of plastic packaging. It looked like the wripped-off part of packaging to a kids' meal toy. Being curious, I took it to the bathroom and rinsed it off... It didn't look familiar at all. I still have no idea where that piece of plastic came from, but I am definitely grateful it made it all the way through her system.

1 - This is probably my favorite moment because it happened this morning. We cloth diaper, but we have some disposables on hand just in case I'm late doing a load of laundry or something. Valerie's poop has been unusually acidic lately, and she got a couple of sores on her bum. Since I don't want to ruin my cloth diapers by getting Desitin or Neosporin on them, I'm using disposables while they heal. They are a size 3, which should be plenty big for my little flat-bummed girl. I can't believe how tight disposable diapers are! Size 3's are still so little and cute, by the way. So when I went to change Valerie's diaper after her morning nap, I happened to glance in the closet at the two little packs of diapers I have in there, one of them unopened because we never used size 1's. Wait, why does the unopened package have a 3 stamped on it? NO WAY! I jump over to the shelf (leaving Valerie bare-bummed... she likes it) and turn around the "new" package of size 3's I bought a week or two ago. Lo and behold, my size 3's were actually size 1's from my baby shower! I laughed at myself, opened the size 3's and put one on Valerie. Shocker, it's actually a little loose and floppy in the back. Seriously, this girl has NO butt. I was really starting to feel hopeful that my little girl might have a tooshie. Alas...


Please share your parenting fails with me. I love hearing them.

Also, I know darn well these things are NORMAL and very tame. Do not criticize my parenting. My child is healthy, smart, and beautiful. She will always know that.